Geordies are well known for their up-beat outlook on life, but their favoured club, Newcastle United, has become the comedic gift that just keeps on giving.
Their knack for accidental hilarity can be epitomised by the exceptional brand of high-class, loutish comedy from the Magpies’ favoured son, Paul Gascoigne during the 1980’s, and since we have been blessed with Kevin Keegan’s famous rant of desperation to defeat Manchester United, in addition to his vast array of legendary quotes such as the philosophical “The tide is very much in our court now“, and the enlightening “Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa“. Over the years the tradition has been upheld by Alan Shearer’s dim-witted match analyses on Match of the Day, and the Magpies even managed to play an integral role in one of the most hilariously poor transfers of all time – Liverpool’s £30million purchase of Andy Carroll.
This season, the sense of humour took a dark turn as Newcastle endured horrendous form – the Magpies recorded 19 defeats in the Premier League, including woeful displays against Sunderland and Liverpool, the latter 6-0 loss being the worst result at St. James Park since 1925 – and spent the year overall looking nervously over their shoulders at the grim prospect of another surprise relegation, despite having qualified for Europe the season previous.
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But for those cynics and black comedy enthusiasts, who imagine their lives with the narration of Channel 4’s Peep show, there were still plenty of moments to enjoy. Alan Pardew’s growing resemblence to Darth Sidius as the year dragged on, seemingly ageing considerably with every injury crisis and bout of poor form, whilst also looking like a man who only slept after the Magpies’ rare few victories, made me chuckle almost as much as his press conference sound-bites, which appear to have been stolen from one of Tony Blair’s election campaigns. The decision to grow youthful facial hair, in the style of David Brent’s famous goatee, was in many ways the cherry on the cake.
But if you think so far I’ve been clutching at straws to find moments of ridicule and laughter out of what has been an overall depressing year at St. James Park, there is no doubt that the appointment of Joe Kinnear as Director of Football, for his inaugural meetings with the British media alone, has been a fantastic source of light-hearted entertainment, unless you are a Newcastle fan of course.
The former manager, who endured a five month stay in the Magpies’ dugout before having to step down for medical reasons in February 2009, made an interview with TalkSport prior to the official announcement of his re-hiring, making several audacious claims and public relations faux-pas’ along the way.
He not only claimed to have signed Tim Krul and James Perch, with the former actually joining the Magpies as a youngster in 2006 and the latter being purchased in 2010, but the Dublin-born coach also declared he had received three Manager of the Year awards throughout his career. Despite ominous research since, Kinnear can claim just a single managerial accolade from the 1994 season.
Additionally, his mispronunciation of any name that has a hint of foreign influence about it, which actually caused Charles N’zogbia to hand in a transfer request in January 2009 after being referred to as “Charlie N’zu-zu”, has forever provided us with the hilarious nickname “Yohan Kebab” for Newcastle’s talismanic French midfielder.
But in many ways that was simply the tip of the ice-berg. If you are unfamiliar with Joe Kinnear and his rather brash personality, you only need to read his final statement from the transcript of the interview: “To all the Newcastle fans who don’t do this decision then shall I bring Lambezi back? What do you want, what do they want? I heard that silly comment what can I attract. I can open the door to any football manager in the world, anyone. That’s the difference. I spend my whole life, picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? Pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsène Wenger.
I can pick the phone up and speak to any manager in the league, any manager in all divisions. So I don’t know what angle they’ve got. If they want to sit down and argue with me, some of them are talking out their backsides, a load of tosh and I’m not accepting it. It’s as simple as that. I’ve certainly got more intelligence than them, that’s for sure.“
If arrogance is a weak man’s strength, Kinnear is certainly compensating for something. Then again, he has never been a man to mince his words. During his tenure in the dug-out at St. James Park, he bluntly used the ‘c-word’ to describe the Daily Mirror’s Simon Bird during a meeting with the press in October 2008, whist it has been claimed he swore a total of 52 times over the course of the interview.
It’s certainly left the former Tottenham defender with very few friends in the media; The Telegraph have labelled Kinnear as “a Caveman…a relic of an era when sports nutrition consisted of a half-time orange and a can of Tizer“, presenting us with subliminal reminders of Kinnear’s time as the spiritual leader of Wimbledon’s Crazy gang, a collection of footballing brutes that included Vinnie Jones and Ben Thatcher, whilst The Guardian’s ‘The Fiver’ have declared; “ After confirming yesterday that Joe Kinnear was on his way back to Tyneside, the Fiver should have twigged then that Newcastle United Comedy Club would be reopening its doors for the coming season.” Even Ian Dowie, a man hardly a stranger to failure and public ridicule himself said his bit to criticise Kinnear’s appointment live on Sky Sports News.
Obviously, a strong section of the fans, in addition to the English press are dismayed by the decision by the club’s owner, Mike Ashley, in re-hiring a former manager whom was already intensely disliked by the Tyneside faithful from his original five month stay with the Magpies, dubbed as a part of the invading ‘cockney mafia’.
But the loutish billionaire and founder of Sports Direct is no stranger to comedic controversy himself, ranging from stories of hiring Alan Pardew to replace the hard-working Chris Haughton after bumping into him during a boozy night in a London casino, to being caught breaking the law by downing a pint of bitter in the stands of his own stadium whilst donning a Magpies jersey.
The current incident arguably counts as the most embarrassing for the club and it’s fans to date however, as it’s hard to think of a less appropriate candidate for the role of Director of Football at this moment in time. Kinnear represents the long-ball approach that has dogged Newcastle’s inability to play constructive football this season, he’s had one transfer window’s worth of action in nine years, and as if the position of Director of Football wasn’t frowned upon enough in England for infringing on the sovereignty of managers, the Magpies owner appoints a man with an abnoxious, imposing and arrogant personality, who is already intensely disliked by the vast majority of the club’s supporters. A hilariously poor appointment by all accounts.
But whether or not you see Newcastle’s knack for comedy as a gift that has passed through the ages, or rather a symptom of the new owner’s era, the fans and those closest to the club are wondering one thing – When will the Magpies step away from the entertainment industry and get back to playing football?
The words of club legend Alan Shearer undoubtedly sum up the concerns of the supporters, and highlight the current situation on Tyneside; “Where do we start? What I do know is that right now people are laughing at the football club I support. And that sickens me. I promised myself years ago never to be surprised by what happens in football – particularly when it comes to Newcastle. But this situation really is stretching it a bit.”
Will Newcastle stop with their supply of comedy material any time soon?
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